On November 16th, I'll finish my bachelor's degree, release a new book, and celebrate my birthday. Three things coming together on one day that I'll remember for the rest of my life.
I should be excited. And part of me is. I'm proud of how far I've come and everything it took to get here.
But right now, the fog feels like it has wrapped itself around my entire body.
It's strange to have so much to look forward to and still feel this heavy. I keep thinking about everything that's going right, almost like listing it all out should somehow make me feel better. I'm finishing something I worked hard for. I'm putting another piece of my heart out into the world through a book. There is so much good happening.
And I'm still struggling.
That's something I want to be honest about here. When I write about the little knight and his fog, those feelings come from somewhere real. Sometimes I'm writing from inside it.
Yesterday, I went to the cemetery to try to get my mind right for a little while. There was something about being there that gave me a bit of breathing room. For the rest of the dat, the fog eased. I felt some relief, and I was grateful for it.
Then it came back.
I wish I could tell you that one quiet afternoon cleared my head and I've felt better ever since. But this is supposed to be a place where I can be real, and the truth is that today feels hard again. Yesterday's peace still mattered. I just wish it had stayed longer.
I'm learning how much pressure lives inside the word "I should be happy." Because I do want to enjoy this. I want to take in the moment when my book is finally out there. I want to let myself celebrate the life I'm building.
Feeling this way doesn't make those things any less meaningful to me. It means I'm having a difficult time while meaningful things are happening.
The fog doesn't check the calendar. It doesn't wait until the celebrations are over or until there's a more convenient time to show up.
So I'm picking up my sword and writing. Tonight, that means putting these feelings somewhere outside my own head. Admitting that I'm struggling, even with so much good ahead of me. Letting these words be honest before worrying about whether they sound hopeful.
I beleive this storm will pass. While I'm waiting, though, it's hard to stand in it. I can know there are better days ahead and still wish getting through this one felt a little easier.
If you've ever had something wonderful happening in your life and wondered why you couldn't feel it the way you thought you should, this is the part I wanted to share with you.
I'm proud. I'm grateful. I'm struggling.
All three are true tonight.
-Trevor